Attention, sidewalk spitters! When it's this cold out, please refrain from public spitting. Instead of evaporating, the gob you so unkindly deposit on our public thoroughfares freezes in place in this weather. Your habit is foul and unsanitary enough in the summer. The sidewalk is like an obstacle course out there; walking along, I feel like the Titanic dodging icebergs! 
Then again, the bitter cold snap appears to be reducing the number of chicken bones left in the gutter. It must be too damn cold for outdoor Popeye's consumption.  

Thanks for the mention, Wonkette editors!